Do you ever experience times when being social in any form is out of the question? When engaging in online or in-person conversation is draining, or when the thought of going out just seems unimaginable?
It’s not necessarily depression, because it’s not as heavy, but you still feel a sense of withdrawal. It’s partly a desire to be around people you enjoy and an even stronger craving to be in solitude.
That’s where I’m at. Sometimes, I don’t open the Facebook Messenger app for days to avoid conversations. There is no reason for this other than that I don’t want to type out conversations. I understand that avoiding interaction has caused a massive amount of misjudgment and misunderstanding. But it’s difficult to explain. How do I say, “I just don’t feel like it,” without sounding like an entitled brat?
There really is no way around that, so I go dark. Meaning, I turn off the chat on all social media platforms, purposely don’t check my emails (I have three accounts, for whatever reason), don’t fulfill projects, miss deadlines, and don’t answer my phone.
The problem I have with going dark is that I don’t tell anyone when it happens. It grinds my gears when people drop the ball on me, but I have no right to complain when I do the same thing. Writing about myself and dealing with Friedreich’s ataxia has helped me reflect on these moments and identify common triggers.